In a dusty drawer somewhere, there’s a home video of me in my pre-school nursery rhyme pageant. My classmates and I all sat in a line wearing homemade paper hats and recited a collection of nursery rhymes. As the camera pans down the line, showing toddlers bouncing happily in their seats, it stops at the end to focus on the redhead who is throwing her hat across the room and jumping up to get it at regular intervals.
That’s me. I’m the redhead.
When I was in third grade, I would often be kept in from recess. During these occasions, my teacher would have me stand by my desk and watch as she dumped its mass of contents onto the floor, requiring I clean it before I could join my classmates.
When I was in fourth grade, I was tested for giftedness. At this point, I was routinely leaving my desk during class and wandering around the classroom. I completed my work quickly and would then look for books to read or games to play to pass the time. The school said I was bored—I was gifted, so I wasn’t being challenged enough. I tested high enough to be placed in the gifted program, and the school was satisfied it had done its due diligence.
During middle school, my teachers would often do “notebook quizzes.” Students were required to keep a binder of all the handouts, homework, and tests they had completed for each class, and on occasion, teachers would create a quiz meant to assess how complete and organized those binders were. I failed every one.
Some nights in high school I would cry into the pages of my Algebra II book. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand the material or didn’t want to complete my homework—I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get my brain to wrap itself around the idea of doing the 35 questions. I knew I was capable of doing it, but some nights I would hit a wall so solid the only response I could formulate was to cry.
My first car had manual locks. I locked my keys in it so many times I stopped keeping track. I once managed to lock the keys in it while it was still running, even. I lost track of my possessions constantly, leaving my cellphone in clothing store changing rooms, losing important documents… My room was in a constant state of clutter.
In undergrad, I often needed extensions on assignments, especially if the directions were too open-ended. I would get overwhelmed by all the different possibilities that were available to me in completing the assignment, and I would become paralyzed. I once even took an Incomplete in a class because I couldn’t complete an assignment whose directions were, “Write a short paper about something not covered in this course.” And even with the Incomplete, I missed the deadline for submitting the assignment and needed to retake the course.
My whole life, my eccentricities and difficulties with tasks like organization had been chalked up to being creative or intelligent. I was just a precocious kid with a lot of energy and not enough to occupy my time. I was just careless. I was just unmotivated. I was just preoccupied with too many thoughts. I was just… smart.
ADHD never even showed up on my radar until I started my master’s program in psychology. I remember looking at the criteria for the first time in my psychopathology class, a small question mark popping into my head. Is this… me?
No, I thought. People with ADHD are off the walls all the time.
Still, the small question mark was enough to prompt me to ask my psychiatrist about it. He shot me down almost immediately, stating I was doing well in my graduate course work which would likely not be possible with ADHD. And, even so, the medication I was already taking for anxiety and depression would benefit ADHD, too, so why worry about it?
It wasn’t until the second year of my doctoral program that I finally took matters into my own hands. Through the encouragement of a friend, I scheduled a neuropsychological evaluation to assess whether or not I had ADHD.
And I did. Overwhelmingly so. Combined type, too, meaning I had difficulties with both inattention and impulsivity. And I had been struggling, at that point, for 27 years.
Mine is not an uncommon story. According to a meta-study on twice-exceptional students, gifted students with co-occurring disabilities such as Specific Learning Disorders, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and ADHD are often under-identified due to their performing at grade level. In essence, their giftedness masks their struggles.
This leads into the question I’m often asked: “How were you able to manage for so long if you truly have ADHD?”
Well, neurodivergent people develop what are called compensatory strategies. These are the mechanisms that not only allow us to mask our symptoms but also to survive in a world that is not set up for the success of neurodivergent individuals. I would rely on bursts of hyperfocus to complete my work, usually spurred by a rapidly approaching deadline. I only needed to tune into 5 minutes’ worth of a teacher’s explanation of a concept before I knew I could mentally tap out and focus on something else. Basically, my intelligence was a double-edged sword: it allowed me to navigate the demands of K-12 schooling, but it masked my ADHD so effectively that no one saw it for what it was.
For many twice-exceptional individuals, their disability is not caught until the environment finally exceeds the individual’s capacity to compensate. For some, that moment doesn’t come until college… or graduate school, or licensing exams, or a fast-paced job environment. We rely on our intelligence to brute force our way through our academic demands while our personal lives and environments are in shambles, never understanding why there is such a large discrepancy between the two. We end up blaming ourselves. We call ourselves lazy. We tell ourselves we’re not living up to our potential. We beat ourselves up as we rifle through piles of papers trying to find tax documents on April 14. We wonder why things like organic chemistry come so easily when things like remembering appointments seem insurmountable.
I want to emphasize that intelligence and mental illness are not mutually exclusive. Being gifted does not negate the impact of being neurodivergent. You can be smart and have a disability or mental illness, and that doesn’t make you any less intelligent. Your struggles are valid.
If you have kids or work with them on a consistent basis, please stop and think about my experience before you punish a child for being messy or daydreaming. Try to work with them to find what barriers are preventing them from accomplishing what you’d like them to accomplish. Teach them strategies for organization and time management instead of assuming they should already have these skills. For people with ADHD, acquiring such skills is a lifelong journey, and being met with compassion and understanding rather than judgment and discipline makes a world of difference.
Twice-exceptional kids exist, and they’re begging you to notice.